Redefining Friendship: Letting Go of the Fantasy and Embracing the Real
We all grow up with an idea of what friendship should look like.
From our parents, books, and movies, we're taught that friendship is this pure, unbreakable bond — ride-or-die companions who show up no matter what, who love you like family. And while that ideal is beautiful, I’ve come to realize that real-life friendship is far more complicated. Sometimes, it’s messy. Sometimes, it’s one-sided. And sometimes, it simply doesn’t look the way we thought it would.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve craved close friendships. The kind where you can laugh, cry, and lean on each other like sisters or brothers. The kind where you feel truly seen, truly loved. But for reasons I didn’t always understand, I’ve never been able to create that kind of closeness — at least not in the way I imagined.
At one point, I had to pause and ask myself:
What does friendship actually mean to me?
And more importantly, what does a realistic, sustainable friendship look like — not the fantasy sold to us by media or fairy tales?
The Cost of Chasing the Ideal
I used to chase friendship. Hard.
I was naive. I was endlessly trusting. I’d pour my heart out to people, go out of my way to be there for them, hoping they’d one day return the effort. I thought that if I kept investing, if I kept being “a good friend,” the other person would eventually meet me halfway.
But here’s the truth I had to face: Friendship takes two.
No matter how kind, thoughtful, or available I was, if the other person wasn’t interested in building a deeper bond, the connection would stay surface-level. I burned myself out putting energy into people who didn’t — or couldn’t — reciprocate.
Not Everyone is Meant to Stay
Over time, I’ve learned something vital:
It’s okay if someone doesn’t want to be your close friend.
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
In fact, a lot of the pain we feel in friendships comes from rejecting ourselves first.
We tell ourselves stories like:
“They wouldn’t like me if they knew the real me.”
“I always get hurt, I should pull away before they do.”
“They’re probably too busy to want to connect anyway.”
These thoughts?
They’re not always reality — they’re often projections of our own insecurities.
Understanding the Layers of Friendship
Friendship circle example
Something that’s helped me is recognizing that not all friendships are meant to be deep.
There are layers to connection.
Some friends are lifelong. Some are seasonal. Some are based on shared interests or similar life stages. And that’s okay.
Here’s how I like to see it:
Inner Circle: Deep, trusted connections (rare and precious).
Close Friends: Those you share life with regularly.
Situational Friends: People you connect with during a specific season — school, a job, a shared struggle.
Acquaintances: Familiar faces, polite conversation, low emotional investment.
It’s perfectly natural for people to move between these layers over time.
Growing Apart Is Part of Growing Up
As we evolve, so do our friendships.
There have been people I once felt close to during hard times — friends I bonded with through struggle and venting and shared pain. We supported each other in our victim mindsets. But as I started healing and choosing growth, I realized I didn’t feel aligned anymore with relationships rooted in constant negativity.
Some friends chose to stay stuck, and I chose to move forward.
And though that shift was painful, it was also necessary.
Letting go is not always a loss.
Sometimes, not having someone as your friend is a blessing in disguise.
Letting the Right People Find You
I’m still holding onto hope.
I still long for deep, soul-level friendships. And I believe those connections can exist, even in adulthood — even if they’re rare. Maybe they’ll come in this season. Maybe not. But I trust that if I continue doing what I love and staying true to who I am, the right people will find their way into my life.
In their own time.
In their own magical, unpredictable way.
And until then, I’m learning to be okay with the quiet.
I’m learning to value the friendships I do have, whatever layer they’re in.
I’m learning that being a good friend to myself is the foundation of every other connection I’ll ever build.
Final Thoughts
Friendship doesn’t have to be a dramatic, all-consuming bond to be meaningful.
It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be real.
So if you’re in a waiting season too, wondering why closeness feels so far away — you’re not alone. And you're not broken.
You’re just evolving.
And the right people — the ones who match the level of love and effort you’re ready to give — are on their way.
Let’s keep the faith.
Have you ever struggled with redefining what friendship means to you?
Share your story or lessons in the comments below — I’d love to hear how others are navigating the same journey.